 "That kind of talk doesn't invite me to admire you"
The writing style is awkward and stilted; the book is full of odd little paragraphs, stops and starts,and full of strange little checklists. The author's insistence on framing verbal abuse as a problem of men abusing women is distressing, given my family history and the experiences of a disturbingly large number of my male friends and loved ones. Additionally, I have at least one lesbian friend who left an abusive relationship with literally nothing but the clothes on her back, so in order to solve this problem, society needs to forget all this 'women are the gentle sisterhood' garbage. Women are given excellent communication skills, by nature and nurture (Typically, girls begin to learn to speak much sooner than boys. Female brain structures are superior in the areas of language and forging connections between memory and language, and females are typically socialized by parents, schooling, and societal messages to be adept at picking up verbal and nonverbal communication cues) so it would follow logically that, given the spectacular set of communication tools women naturally possess,that a woman given an abusive upbringing, or a woman with one or several mental health problems, would be a particularly effective, especially vicious, highly manipulative verbal abuser.
All human beings need to learn better ways to communicate with one another, to avoid minimizing, demonizing, or marginalizing other peoples' feelings, needs, and desires. We all need to learn non violent means of letting people know what's going on with us, what we need, and what our boundaries are. Framing it as a 'big mean men beating up on poor helpless women' is unhelpful, disingenuous and (to me) infuriating. Please update this book with some better gender language and some illustrations of non heterosexual, non monogamous situations that a wider group of readers can relate to, or publish a book on verbally abusive women, to give some fair balance to this societal problem.
OK, I won't leave this review on a bad note. I will say that I really found the examples of 'scripts' to use on children who are acting out and being verbally abusive to be VERY helpful, and since in many situations I have seen, the abuser is behaving in a very childish manner, these techniques could be excellent even in a situation where you are dealing with an adult.
"That kind of talk doesn't invite me to admire you" is completely brilliant. I want to memorize it and use it every time someone starts acting obnoxious around me, because it nails everything down in one short sentence: the typical abuser is childish and narcissistic, everything s/he does is in an effort to get attention, and (whether s/he realizes it or not) the abuser is desperate to be liked, loved, and admired. So pointing out that their abusive behavior is achieving the opposite is probably the best way to establish a boundary and stop the abusive behavior in its tracks.
 A Book That Changed My Life
In my first marriage I was lost in a cloud of confusion. No matter what I did, it was either wrong or never enough. After yet another "battle", I called my brother, I was so disoriented, he asked if I had been hit. I said, "No, but I felt like I had been." I drove to the bookstore that night and found Patricia Evan's book. It changed my life! It opened my eyes to what I had been experience. I found hope and a way to move forward. This is a must-read. Years later, I wrote a book to help Christians who find themselves in difficult marriagesWolf: The Self-Absorbed Christian Marriage. I am grateful for Miss Evan's profound resource that helped me to move forward in my journey.
 Sadness and Sense
I bought this book at the urging of a friend to make sense of a troubled 16-year relationship with a friend. The pain she caused me was growing with each encounter. I thought she was like my sister but she would stop talking to me for months on end (one time 8 months), others several months and others weeks. I never knew when I would say the wrong thing and set off this pattern again. It was always me crawling back, testing the waters to see if she was still too mad at me to talk again or not. It occurred to me after apologizing for something I saw as a misunderstanding (and she said she didn't believe was one) that in all the time I had known her she had not once apologized to me. The author discusses these two ideas, "withholding" and not being able to apologize, specifically, which really helped me understand them and the abuser is, in fact, trying to control the other person.
I slowly realized how my friend didn't really care about me, although she was very smart, charming, entertaining, even sweet at times and would at times say she did, but the vast majority of our conversations were about her, her interests and how angry she was at stupid people at work or in her life. She would lash out at me regularly with snide comments, eye rolling and stopping mid-sentence to stare me down if I got excited interrupted her (also feeling like it was the only way I'd get a word in edgewise). If I said anything, she would say I took it wrong because I'm too sensitive and my self-esteem is too low or she wasn't mad at me (while she was turning red and her voice was raised). The book discusses all three of these common responses by verbal abusers meant to make the partner off balance--like she can't trust her own feelings and fear being themselves around abusers (on egg shells) not knowing what will irritate and set them off. The description of angry abusers was especially interesting.
From reading the book, I see how the abuser will most likely never realize or understand their fear of facing themselves and thus never be able to really experience true intimacy and meaningful friendships. How they project the weak characteristics they most fear in themselves onto their partners and see themselves as superior--always. How they unconsciously seek out people that will accept this type of behavior based on their own issues.
The book makes a lot of sense but very sad and makes me feel like we'll never be friends again (she's not going to admit anything to herself and get help) and that what I greatly grieve for may never have been a true friendship like I thought it was. Since being out of the relationship, several friends have told me that they knew it was abusive for years and thought I was fine with it. I see my part in allowing this person to be abusive to me and it breaks my heart. After reading this book, I guarantee you, I will never allow or take part in this type of relationship again. I think it's a very helpful, if not depressing, read, but will help others avoid reliving such a relationship again as well.
A tool box for victims of verbal abuse
I have purchased and passed along multiple copies of this book over the years. The ideal resource for people in verbally abusive relationships, this book gives practical advice and an in-depth look at the reality of the abuser vs the victim. Most useful are the chapters providing actual conversational responses a victim can practice and put into use. The various types of verbal abuse are outlined along with specific situational examples and practical advise for each type of abuse. As a victim, I felt empowered just reading, with many "aha" moments of clarity throughout the book.
Now in a newly expanded third edition
No one likes being constantly talked down to. Now in a newly expanded third edition, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond" is a guide for dealing with this form of bullying which affects many aspects of life, both professional and personal. Patricia Evans outlines the levels of abuse that occur, stating from subtle sarcasm to out and out threats. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a strong pick for any who want to be better equipped to dealing with aspect that everyone will encounter at one time or another.
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